I’m willing to be part of the solution

Published 9:29 pm Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Last week, this column dealt with the absurdity that is the economic stimulus package—a plan that’s now been signed, sealed and delivered to the American people.

Shortly after writing that column, I received some angry phone calls complaining that I had missed the point. Sure, they said, there were some crazy parts to this plan but the bottom line is it will help most Americans.

We should ignore things like $75 million for smoking cessation programs and $1.2 billion for summer youth programs in the name of economic development.

Maybe they are right.

Maybe I was being too hard on our government. After all, who am I to begrudge the Department of Homeland Security a new office building complete with millions of dollars of furniture? As a matter of fact, not only am I willing to admit I’m wrong, I’m now willing to allow myself to be part of the solution instead of the problem.

That being said, I’m now willing to accept part of the stimulus money. It will be hard to do, and my deep feelings on the subject will limit me to accepting only about $10 billion or so.

Since I believe we should be accountable for how this money will be spent, I’d like to offer the following:

I will build a new school, named the “Leada Gore School of Common Sense.” Every student will be required to take money management and economics 101. No cell phones allowed.

I will donate some money to animal shelters and let my dog, Spike, direct how it will be spent. I have a feeling we should buy stock in dog biscuits and M&Ms.

I will donate some of the money to any non-profit groups that investigate wasteful government spending. A million or so could keep them operating for years.

I will build new, large libraries in as many communities as possible. Maybe if our children can read about history, they won’t repeat it.

I will hire some corporate spokesperson who justifies the purchase of a corporate jet while laying off workers and then fire them for the fun of it. Ha. Ha.

Once I’ve done all this, I plan to quit working, buy a beach house and enjoy the rest of my days sitting on a Carribean beach with my family. This will help the economy because I will have to purchase new sunglasses, sunscreen, flip flops and plane tickets out of town.

Adios, amigos.