Coaching drama never gets old

Published 2:43 pm Friday, January 2, 2009

Is anyone else sick of hearing about the coaching drama in college and professional football?

Of course not. You can’t get enough of it. It’s like a soap opera with headsets and grass stains.

Now, what about a name for all this? Days of Our Drives…As the Pigskin Turns…One First Down to Live…Somebody, please stop me because I could seriously do this all day.

The Young and the Defenseless…OK, that’s the last one, I promise.

It never ends. Never ever ends. Every week, man, every day, it’s something.

XXX Coach is getting fired. XXX Coach is getting a contract extension. XXX Coach is involved in a trade.

Really? You can’t trade your wife, but you can trade coaches. That’s fairness in a pretty, little basket.

So then I got to thinking…

What are some of the best coaching dramas right now?

Well, I’m glad you asked, friend. George L. is here to provide the answer today when we go down “The List.”

Joe Paterno’s hip. He’s not too old to coach at Penn State; he’s just too old to stand while doing it. The Nittany Lions’ leader since before the discovery of papyrus will overlook the Rose Bowl from the press box because he’s still recovering from hip replacement surgery. Since you don’t pay attention to Penn State football until someone gets arrested, you probably don’t know this has been Jo Pa’s custom for the last seven games.

Mike Shanahan axe. I’m sorry, what? Can you say that one again? One of the few coaches in America that could rival any player as the face of the franchise is now jobless. What does it matter if his team tanked down the stretch the past three seasons? So what if it’s disturbing to watch him on the sidelines because you think that vein in his temple is going to explode and take about three bystanders with it? His players love him, his teams have been consistent for the most part and now that Bill Cowher is gone, Shanny has the best chin in the NFL. Speaking of Bill Cowher…

Bill Cowher. Wow, a lot of originality in that subheading. Will people just leave the man alone? He doesn’t want to coach. He’s perfectly happy working as an analyst and poking fun at Shannon Sharpe. Who wouldn’t be? Shannon Sharpe is a funny guy. Let the man revel in his post-coaching life. And when he signs that three-year deal two weeks from now, remember this was all a load of tongue-in-cheek bull.

George L. Jones. I mention myself because I’m obviously qualified to coach several teams, including the Cleveland Browns. God bless Cleveland fans. Someone has to love them because the team’s management obviously doesn’t. I’m also considering applying to the Detroit Lions, N.Y. Jets and an up-and-coming team in Central America. I’ve never heard of it, but they assure me goats running around in the end zone won’t be a problem. That’s a perk.