• 82°

Letters from the desk of George L.

I’ve been told time and time again that letter writing is an art. It started with my mom (she lives 2 1/2 hours away and still insists that I write to her).

Some of the best teachers I’ve ever had preached about it constantly and so did some ex-girlfriends.

So then I got to thinking…

I’m not the most devout believer in it, but if it worked for John Adams, why couldn’t it work for me?

Besides, I could always use a little variety – for spice and all that jazz. My friends always tell me I should open up more anyway.

So with some particular folks in mind, here are greetings from the desk of George L.

Dear Rick Neuheisel: Congratulations on the big win over Tennessee. I was rooting for you and the boys all the way. By the way, is it weird playing a college game on a Monday night? Good luck, and make sure you don’t make as big a mess out of this chance as you did your last big job…Cordially, George L.

Dear Usain Bolt: Watching you run is like watching tulips sway in a stiff breeze. I promise I’m not weird, I’m just trying to show my appreciation for your talent. I’d like you a lot more if you had run through the finish line at the Olympics…Yours truly, George L.

Dear Dustin Pedroia: Thanks for making life better for all the little people in the world. You may be small, but you have a big heart and a big bat. I dream about how many more home runs you could hit if you were six inches taller…Your biggest fan, George L.

Dear Serena Williams: I have a friend named Borge that I think you should meet. I know that sounds like a strange name, but I promise he can change it if you like. He’s a really funny and smart guy. And he’s tall…Love times 100, George L.

Dear Venus Williams: I have a friend named Borge that I think you should meet. I know that sounds like a strange name, but I promise he can change it if you like. He’s a really funny and smart guy. And he’s tall…Love times 100, George L….P.S. Don’t show this letter to your sister.

Dear Baltimore Orioles: Why do you still even exist? If the Rays can get better, why can’t you?…Forgetting about you, George L.

Dear Cliff Lee: Don’t feel bad. No one knows you’re the best pitcher in baseball this year, but so what? I’ve known you were great for years. As soon as you get out of Cleveland, all will be well…Cheering for you, George L.

Dear Adam Jones: It looks like you’re turning your life around, and I couldn’t be happier. That saint Terrell Owens must be having a huge impact on you. Keep up the good work, and be sure to stay away from clubs and ATMs…Your distant cousin, George L.

– George L. Jones is a guest columnist for The Clanton Advertiser. His column appears each Thursday.